Red Flags

Today i’m talking about something that’s been foremost in my mind lately. Red flags.

Dating can be a mine field. Vanilla dating is hard enough. When Y/you throw kink into the mix? Yikes.

i posted a question about red flags and dating on FetLife and Facebook as these are the two places where i have access to a wide swath of friends. The answers were unsurprisingly similar.

The common theme? Integrity. Or a lack of it.


A lack of integrity seems to be running through the dating world, and it most definitely is not a new thing – nor is it relegated to vanilla dating. Kinksters show a lack of integrity, too. Some of the things listed included:

  • Being “too nice” or almost fake in T/their kindness and sincerity. Making a good impression is one thing, but when it looks and feels over the top? It makes O/one wonder what T/the other party is trying to hide.
  • Bragging. A variety of things came up with this one: child custody (can have T/their kinds any time, but never do), jobs (hopping around from one to another), possessions/wealth (T/theirs of that of family members).
  • Ego, usually an over-inflated one. Confidence is one thing. Cockiness is quite another and is, in general, not an attractive attribute. One commenter also mentioned being asked a question, and then being cut off so the O/other could add something about themselves. As Rudy Huxtable would say.. How rude!
  • Dishonesty (this was a big one, and rightfully so). Comments ranged from lies about relationship status (only calls at certain times of day, house is decorated in a VERY feminine way but H/he’s adamant about being single, always has a “sudden” emergency or is only available middle of the night or last minute), lifestyle (claims to work at a very well paying job, owns multiple properties but suddenly barely makes ends meet and is renting a room)
  • Lack of commitment to family, friends, job.
  • Being dismissive of A/another’s values/goals/experiences. Just because it’s not been Y/your experience doesn’t make it any less important to the P/person who DID go through it. Just because Y/your values and goals don’t match up doesn’t make them any more important than A/anyone else’s.
  • Being dismissive can also apply with regards to answering calls and/or texts. E/everyone gets busy at times. W/we all understand this, but finding a couple of seconds to send a text and say “Hey, I/i’m really tied up right now and can’t talk. I/i’ll touch base as soon as I/i can.” is not the end of the world and only takes maybe 5 seconds to type out. It’s not rocket science.
  • Lack of concern for safety. This is a huge red flag, and one i had an experience with when setting up a FIRST date with somjeone new. The weather had been horrible for a couple of days, and on the day of the date my area got covered in a few inches of snow (on top of the inches that had fallen over the previous day/night) so road conditions were not favourable. So… being conscientious, i called off the date. i didn’t want to risk my date driving in the snow just to come have a cup of coffee with me. i didn’t want to risk myself driving in the snow any more than i had to (i’d made a promise to one of my children that i’d take him shopping for something and would NOT renege on the promise.) Suffice to say, that P/person never got their first date that day, and will never get one after the entitled, unsafe and uncaring behaviour they presented. Nope. Not happening.

In short…

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